I share the following part with all the tenderness in my heart, a lot of vulnerability, and a belief that maybe this is something you need to hear.
Little me learned about God the same way I learned about cows; it was just a part of life. But just like I didn’t know each cow well, I didn’t know God. Actually, I didn’t know Him at all, but I did know about Him. That all changed on a May day in 2019.
My childhood was good, built on a stable foundation. Until the foundation started getting really shaky. I don't really remember when it started, but I just remember getting spurts of anxiety, and then it was the desire to just sleep a little bit more or just hide away in books. Then the anxiety intensified and isolation became the substitute, and all of that built and built and built and built till one day I thought it was better to die than to live. And that was my plan as I stood on this hill, and then a female deer and her two fawns crossed my line of sight and altered everything. It was like lightning struck me, and for the first time in my entire life I actually believed in God.
The next few years were spent starting to develop a relationship with my Heavenly Father, but also so stuck in struggles. There would be good days and then really bad days. After high school, I moved to Wyoming, and it was the first time I was totally alone away from all my family. And I realized there was something I could hold onto—God—so I did. Then I moved to Oklahoma and started hanging around one of my very good friends who showed me what it's like to have a relationship with Jesus, not be in the confines of religion. During this season, I just had a really strong feeling that something was not right with my mom, and a few days before Thanksgiving, we got the news that she was diagnosed with cancer. Immediately I came back, she went to surgery, and I begged God to heal her.
The next six months was a roller coaster of everything’s okay, I can go back to Oklahoma, to no, everything is really bad, I need to come back home, and we don't know if my mom's gonna make it. Then at 19, I was in charge of our ranch and meat company and somehow put it upon myself to make sure bills were paid and my brothers were taken care of, and that's when I had nothing else to hold onto but the Lord. I started to hear Him speak to me, and it started to be a deep friendship.
About a year later, my mom went to heaven, and well, that was still one of the hardest things I had. I had so much peace—still do—because I know that wasn't goodbye. It's, “I'll see you later.” But the grief of losing her wrecked me. I started drinking a little bit. I started cutting myself. The old anxiety crept in, and I felt like I was all the way at rock bottom again.
But that's when Jesus truly saved me. At the end of that summer, I got baptized, and after that my life has been completely altered for the best. Over the next few months, I don't even know how to explain it other than Jesus. The chains of anxiety were broken off. The need to try to cope in ways that were unhealthy was broken off, and I just clung to Jesus with everything in me.
So much of the things that I thought I would never be free from, I am completely free from. The desire to self-harm no longer exists. Anxiety isn't a part of my vocabulary anymore. I feel more peace than I've ever felt, and I'm solid on my identity and who I am.
The Lord has brought into my life some of the most incredible people. I have amazing business coaches and incredible friends, and my home is a place where the presence of the Lord dwells.
I will forever be thankful for my Heavenly Father sending His only Son to earth for us to be able to spend eternity with Him.
If you need prayer or want to learn more about Jesus, I would love to hop on a call or email.
